The Introvert’s Guide to Creating a Social Life

How we get into isolation and how to get out of it

My doggo Ollie looking out into the Colorado desert, Great Sand Dunes NP September 2024 - photo by author

How Isolation Starts

My birthday falls on the cusp of Pisces and Aries. Most of my life, I’ve swayed between the two signs, feeling introverted as far into a cave as I could go and extroverted in that I want to talk to the whole world. I can be a deep sea dweller, only desiring those deep connections with others - or - a surface dweller ready to surf some waves and have fun. It can be confusing sometimes, but I’ve found ways to create a social life that works for me without infringing on my personal boundaries too much. And I want to share that with you!

I just went through this stage of life when I was completely and utterly alone. I had no purpose other than the one I gave myself, no social life, no friends, no commitments. I was floating across the spans of the void not knowing what I was doing and feeling worthless.

Why, how did I get this way? The pandemic didn’t help, but this stage of my life goes beyond the pandemic further into my past. The more I learned about the world, societal issues, the terrible things that happen to the planet & its creatures, the more I didn’t want to be a part of this place because well, I didn’t want to be a part of the problem.

Isolation was my only solution. My purpose to become a solution to all the world’s problems. Deciding to go vegan cut out a group of people from my life. Adopting a zero waste lifestyle left a list of activities I couldn’t participate in. Desiring to be spiritually perfect as to not inflict harm on other creatures. Being nomadic, living in more than one place made me transient and someone that wasn’t available for deep relationships. I kept moving and having to start over in life.

I kept putting myself deeper in this box to where nobody outside of me was safe because of how they were. Like, yeah right I’ll get BBQ with you, I don’t eat meat! You use artificial fragrances in your laundry soap, I’m allergic to them. You like violence? I can’t hang out with you. - was the kind of banter that would go on in mind and keep me from others. It’s super limiting and isolated me even more. This was fine for many years, I didn’t need people… until I did.

A couple of years ago, it hit me like a train that I had nobody. My mental health took a hike, I felt like shit, depressed. No longer did I believe that we should be independent of all people as to not participate in codependency.

My point in telling you all of this is, yeah I’ve fucking been there when it comes to wanting to be alone, and being alone most of the time. And getting tired of it. Wanting more from this life than just myself. Taking on the world’s burdens alone isn’t a fun time. It gets stressful, fearful and too much.

Hiking love <3 - photo by author

Social Life 101 for Introverts

I know there’s lonely people out there wanting a social life and deep friendships because I’ve seen so many articles lately popping up on my Substack feed. People saying that the younger generations are lonelier than ever, hopeless and broke. That there’s a loneliness epidemic and it’s the system’s fault, or social media’s fault, or the government’s fault. I agree, but…

Just because we can blame something for causing us loneliness, pain, or whatever doesn’t mean it’s entirely true. Blame isn’t an ends to a means. And definitely won’t get you any friends or change your situation.

I’m not saying that it’s easy in this world right now, or fair, or just, or affordable, but that doesn’t have to be our experience forever. Sure, we could be highly addicted to our phones and the internet, but damn dude, just put it down! Delete all the apps and really commit to creating a social life instead of yearning for one!

Let me tell you from experience, there is so much going on right under our noses. There are clubs and people wanting friends, groups, sports teams waiting for you to join them!

Step 1 - Look for Social Groups

Take a piece of paper out *right now* and write down five things you care about deeply. A hobby, a sport, a cause, a lifestyle. Write them down.

Then get your digital doo-dad out and search for groups in your area.

Places to look: your city’s website, the city’s chamber of commerce, the city’s Facebook page (I know, you hate Facebook too, but for an initial search for a group, it’s worth it), bulletin boards around town, common spaces, coffee shops, libraries, etc.

Go out in the world and look at bulletin boards hanging up in public spaces, like a popular restaurant, town hall, the rec center, coffee shop. Go out and explore your town like a tourist would. Find an event or a group for each of the five things on your list.

My example is: music, gardening, writing, nature, adventure.

Write some of the things you find in your calendar and commit to going. Just like going to work, you don’t have a choice. You’re going. ☺︎

Step 2 - Scope the Scene

Then, go to those events/clubs. Just go, leave your anxiety at home. Tuck it in to sleep for awhile and take a chance out in your world. Go expecting nothing, but be open to what’s going on around you and engage.

Things that fill my list of five: the community concert band (I play clarinet and percussion), open mic nights, jam sessions, drum circles, hiking with my partner, hiking with a group, poetry events, the library, arc reading books, working on a farm, starting a community garden, volunteering at a farm, rollerskating, the skatepark, the dog park, traveling to a new city to visit an online friend. Idk, there’s so many things you could do.

Say hello to anyone you make contact with. Smile. Be friendly and kind, it’s not that hard. It may feel awkward. Building strength in anything, whether it’s physically or learning a new skill, takes time and is uncomfortable at first. Being social is like that too, it will get easier I promise! Let loose and free yourself from seriousness :)

If you’re a book binger like me, then you might have some favorite characters from your favorite books. Who are those characters? What are they like? How do they treat others? This helped me lately with my social life, to find the pieces of myself that I value and may have hidden. These characters help me bring the good out in myself, and my personality too. So, when you go to some social thing remember your favorite characters and if you’re lost or awkward, ask them (to yourself) what they’d do. (If not books, apply this suggestion to favorite movie/TV characters.)

Step 3 - Commitment

Now, commit to some of those groups and go once a week. I have band every Monday from 7-9 pm and concerts every few months. Austin and I usually spend the weekends at the skatepark or hiking in the desert. Several growing seasons, I’ve worked on an organic farm part time, getting free food and getting to know my coworkers. A new friend group formed around playing disc-golf. There’s a new poetry night in town I’m vibing out right now. We just hosted a spring mingle at a local park and invited everyone we knew, it was a blast. I write to my family and friends far away rather than text them. There are so many possibilities beyond your imagination.

At first, you might be shy and not want to talk to anyone. That’s great, keep going! Allow yourself to be silent and to scope out the space. You don’t have to rush into anything if you don’t want to. What I like to do is commit to a group, keep going even if I don’t say a word, and allow friendships to form on their own. Don’t put limits on a potential friendship - most of the people in the community band I’m in are over the age of fifty. I’m one of four people under thirty-five in the band, but I find so much joy with connecting with the older generations. We can learn a lot from them… like how to be social! :D

Give yourself time and space to adjust to the new social settings and don’t pressure yourself. Listen to you intuition and let it guide you on who to talk to, etc. I also think finding a group that is doing an activity together might be best for us introverts because initially, you’re occupied with the task and can’t be bothered to exchange in conversation. That’s why I loved the band at first, most of the time spent there is forty people with their mouths on an instrument making music together. Bringing all sorts of mindsets and beliefs together that form into one beautiful piece of music.

I’m by no means healed of anxiety and nervousness. I still feel socially awkward sometimes (most of the time) and want to hide in a hole. And that’s okay! It’s just a part of the human experience. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just give it a chance over the span of a few months. Make it a commitment to show up because that shows you’re available and wanting to make connections.

Showing up is enough… to get you started in having people in your life again!

If you feel anxious, remember to breathe. Breathe through all you’re feeling. And focus on what’s in the here-and-now. For awhile, I went to local events feeling sad and depressed due to the knowledge that there’s so much suffering in the world yet… here’s a bunch of people that seem oblivious to it. On a surface level, it can seem that way. I’m going to speculate, though, that you’re not alone and perhaps most people are aware of the “bad stuff” going on in the world. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s more of we’re all just doing the best we can right now with what we know, have, and can take action in.

We deserve to be happy, to make connections and friends. If we can do this for ourselves, we’re helping the world out more than we can know because we’re making a positive change being in other peoples’ lives. And together, we can make a difference.

Step 4 - Go Deeper

Now, you’ve met some people, yay! Who is your favorite person so far? Why not invite them for a coffee date or for a walk in the park? A hike? Make some art together? Picnic? Tea party? Go shopping, or do whatever it is that you love to do on your own!

Do you have a few people that you enjoy being around from different groups that could get along together? Why not arrange a dinner party, or a gathering at a local park to play cards or games at a picnic table? Not only can you make new friendships, you can also bring people together that may not meet each other anyway else than through you!

Step 4 is the step that’ll bring surface level friendships into a more intimate setting. I’ll admit, I’m in this stage now and for some of the friends I’ve made this is scary! It can be scary to learn about someone’s past and to be comfortable around them. The past doesn’t define any person though. It shaped them, sure, but doesn’t define them. Who they are here and now is what matters.

Feel into your intuition. You will know if someone is right for you or not. A “yes” can feel like a happy, warm heart, and moments of laughter. A “no” can feel like a churning gut, or prickles in your chest. Get to know yourself and how your body tells you if something is for you or not. Curiosity has overcome me before. When my body told me “no” I kept showing up to the relationship only to find that, damn, it’s not right and I got stuck in awkward situations.

This is a personal thing for me but… keep social media out of your new friendships. The closer I get to people, the less I want to know of what they post online. I’m not totally off Instagram because some people send me messages from across the country (due to my transient nature…), but I no longer look at my friends’ stories, posts, or updates. If I want to know how someone is doing, I make the effort to text them, write them, or plan a meetup so we can catch up in person.

If you have friends from far away, exchange phone numbers and keep in touch that way. It is always more meaningful to a relationship to set time to chat one-on-one with a friend than to lurk their social profiles and make assumptions. And if you make it apparent that you’re not a social media goer, those friends from far away might put in the same sort of effort for you too.

Social media is a source of hell for me. All the negative emotions that exist bubble up when I’m on it. Oh, she’s doing this and I’m sitting around. Must have a shitty life. Jealousy is one of my weaknesses, so the best way to stay away from it is to starve it. My self esteem drops watching others create success in their lives, whether that is another creator online or one of my friends. Comparing myself to others is so toxic, not only for me but for them too because it causes a sort of separation from the oneness of the human race. Most of the time, I keep the apps deleted from my phone and only access them occasionally on my computer (that I try not to spend much time on).

Another thing about incorporating new friends with social media is sharing pictures and status updates. In my youth, friends would do this and purposely leave me out of the group. It hurt to see them having fun with each other and to be stuck at home. Yeah, FOMO.

Since we all have an active and alive inner child inside, it is easy to hurt others with the stuff we post online. For me anyway, it’s best to keep it private. If you want to share pictures and the joy you get from your friends, try printing off pictures and sharing them privately with one another or send them over a text.

Maybe you’re different? Idk!

Concluding…

Lately in my life I have people around me that know who I am. Not just some background person floating through life. It’s nice knowing that I get to go to band on Mondays and people will ask me how I’m doing. We’ll share some conversation together. And it’ll happen the Monday after that…

When I came back to band in last fall, a gal walked up to me at the end of rehearsal and said, “Hi! I’m Janet! How old are you? Do you want to be friends?” All I could do was smile. She was wearing one of the shirts I own (and am wearing right now) and we ended up being a few months apart in age. In a band filled with retirees. It was like one of those kindergarten moments when you unexpectedly make a new friend that ends up being your best friend for years.

It took a few months of getting to know Janet, but it turns out that we have so much in common despite the different lifestyles & occupations we have. What ties us together is the laughter at anything and everything we’re doing or talking about. I could tell she carried grief from her past, but through both of us being vulnerable with each other at times, it was spoken about and overcome.

Sometimes, I worry that other people won’t be able to deal with knowing what I’ve been through and what I carry around emotionally with me, but being on the other side of this has made me see that compassion, listening, and love go a long way. Not everyone is able to listen and understand us, and having this sort of deep connection won’t be available with every friend/person we have. Yet, if we expand our social circle and intuit what is appropriate or not, we will find a single person or two that are ready for that sort of connection.

Over time, love will come into our lives through these relationships we commit to. I believe love is something to be earned, the deep kind anyway. Being consistent with a new friend will build trust, trust will lead to sharing deeper parts of ourselves, empathy and compassion for each other will create that element of love we’re yearning for. This sort of love is like a hidden treasure not everyone has access to. And what an honor that is to give and receive that. It must be treasured and held gently.

Building relationships takes time, commitment, and vulnerability. There’s no way around it. It’s like anything in life, you must practice, take chances, fail, and try again. You are strong and capable to do this. I guarantee, if you commit long enough your people will come through and you’ll know, you’ll just know that these people are your people and when you find them, it’s like the long journey is over. You’ll get to start a new journey with friends and thus, the movie begins. The indie movie of your new life.

Creating a social life is like a movie. In the beginning it’s sort of boring and blah, but specific moments will come and go like little embers floating around, a fire coming to life. Synchronicities abound, commonalities are found, and the threads between us get stronger and stronger.

To all the lonely people of the internet, I hope you go out there and try to make some new connections, join a group, do something fun with other people. I hope something in this essay inspired you to make a positive change in your life. You don’t have to be lonely, just take a few steps out the door and see who’s out there for you!

Let me know if there’s anything else you want to talk about with this topic in the comments. What are your triggers that keep you from going out? How can others help you to feel better, more confident to take a chance in the community? How do you combat social anxiety? What would you add to this essay?

Until next time friends,

Ashley

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